i’ve never been so confused about what i want. and yet i am sure that i know myself… this is one of the scariest things a person can go through.
hahaha oooooh my god to think that last year at this time I was doing admissions interviews for Ivy leagues HA. H A.
so much has changed in the past 6 months, naturally. even though society is a lot like i expected it to be here, i’ve sort of gotten used to it. which scares me in so many ways. i like to go out all the time, and be shallow, and be stupid, and be crazy and dangerous and ridiculous. but i still love school: meeting a cute boy and understanding new concepts in chemistry fill me up with the same rush of exhilarating joy. i’ve left so much of my past life behind: my family troubles, my awkward high school days and my lack of true friends, my lack of confidence with boys. i’m still not that confident and still somewhat awkward, but it’s a natural complement to my academic side. transferring to a better school is still a very real idea to me, and i’m not letting it go. but what people don’t tell you is that it’s infinitely harder to transfer to a better school than the whole initial process of getting into it as a high school senior.
you’re trapped between two desires: having a traditional college experience/i.e. embracing the best years of your life, OR forfeiting a little youth to fight the hard fight by transferring somewhere that will be better for you in the long run.
but i just can’t let time slip from me. i feel like that’s been my whole life: my expectations never meeting reality and never embracing the good that is in front of me - i’ve been bitter and greedy forever. i went through high school without any real experience with boys because my standards were to high, without letting go of grudges with friends, without cherishing my brother and sister. there are beautiful people here. shallow, but kind and beautiful. and i can actually achieve high professional positions here because there is virtually no competition. i am in deep with the chemistry department here even as a freshman, and i am getting deeper into the engineering school. my young calculus teacher told me last semester that the things i learn here and the things i could be learning at Brown (where he worked, just an example) are the same, they’re just different learning environments. he said it’s what i’ve made with what i learn that counts: the real application of life’s acquirements.
i have real friends here. they’re not perfect and i often still feel completely alone, but they’re the best i’ve had in life so far. there have been some surreal moments here, dream-like and crazy and intense even as memories.
i don’t know what i want. all this reflection is because i’m thinking about joining a sorority. it’s the best way to stay in the party scene and i really care about that, as sinful as ego-tripping is. the concept goes against everything i believe and everything i thought i wanted. but there’s some good girls in it that i feel a real connection to. still, so much of it is complete bull so i don’t know what to do.
all i know is that i love science but i also love this newfound ability to connect with people, a newfound social fluidity that i’ve never had. i know who i am, very well in fact, but i don’t know how to act on it at this point.